Robots Everywhere!

2004-04-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

Fuck! It's a been long time since I posted a safety tip! The world hasn't succumbed to the robots as a result, has it?

Well, anyway, sorry it's been so long. I went and visited my parents.

It occurred to me while I was travelling that I only post safety tips that pertain to the human who is at home or work, going about their normal lives. I haven't posted any advice for those people who are spending time travelling.

Well, here's one for you:

Just because you're in an airplane, 35,000 feet above sea level, don't think, for one second, you're safe. Here's why: (A) Robots CAN be that tall; and (B) Robots can fly.

So, it's important that you drink a lot. Even if it is 4-5 bucks per in-flight cocktail. This won't actually defend you against the robots, but it will numb you to the reality that when you're in an airplane, your options are pretty limited if a robot attacks. I mean, it either shoots lazers at the plane and you are incinerated, or it swats the aircraft out of the sky and you scream toward the earth at a thousand miles an hour. I know: it sucks.

Just think positively and get drunk. Trust me! It's fun!

And I don't want to hear any shit about how you're only 10 years old. Get a fake I.D. Jesus, do I have to explain everything to you people?

2004-04-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Considering I'm saving the human race, I disagree with the Gematriculator. It is not my site that is evil (not even 30%), but the robots.

When will people learn?

2004-04-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Over the weekend some robots must have messed with the cable lines, because my Internet connection was all screwy (or as my father would say, "Why the hell can't I get hooked in?!").

Also, a very concerned reader wrote in with a question, and I wanted to do some research in order to provide the best and most thorough answer. He writes:

Dear Mr. Obuchowski:

As a Downstate, frat-boy friend of mine used to say after spending some time with his brothers in the house where the kegerator ran 27 hours a day, "You are ate up." (Remember, this is a Downstate boy we're talking about). Your Robots Are Everywhere and Will Swoop From The Heavens to DESTROY You All blog has generated a lot of fear within me. I have not left my home since I learned of my imminent destruction. I also don't have a job, so that might have something to do with it. My burning question is, Where do the Robots come from and Are they controlled by Osama bin Laden? Thank you for trying to save us.

Signed,
Worried Watcher

Well, Worried Watcher, thanks for taking the time to write and share that little yarn about your retarded friend. Also, great (and important) question! I think many people are wondering the same. Here's my answer:

Since the inception of this blog, I've been a bit misleading. I've made it sound like "the robots" are one class/phylum/species of evil electronically charged machines. The truth is, "the robots" is more of an umbrella term that encompasses, well, all the robots. Kind of like when we say, "Animals will probably suffer from the ubiquitous hail of hellfire missiles over the Middle East region." What do we mean when we say "animals"? Llamas, camels, alpaca sheep, cats, dogs, etc.

There are many types of robots - far too many to list here. But, there are two major classifications of the robot: The Earthbot and the Astrobot.

Scientists cannot reach a concensus about the origins of the EarthBot. For instance, were they formed by a volcanic eruption that melted various television, computer, and aviation equipment together? That is a leading and probable theory.

There is no disagreement about the Astrobots. They come from outer space. Some are from different planets, such as Mars, or the Sun, or the Moon, and X64-1A, which is about 10 blocks northwest of our Solar System (to get there just take the uptown bound F train, and get out at the 7th stop past Mercury). But, indeed, they all come from outer space.

Now for the second part of your question: Who controls the robots - and is it Osama bin Laden?

Once again, human ignorance and arrogance becomes apparent, and I am reminded that it won't so much be the robots destroying us, but our own human weaknesses destroying us (though, we will most likely not reflect on this rather zen concept while the robots' metal claws tear through our flesh and we suffer agonizing deaths before their glowing red eyes).

This question of "who controls the robots?" is basically applying simple human monotheism to a race of evil mechanized titans. NO ONE CONTROLS THE ROBOTS! When are you people going to get it? Robots cannot be ruled. They fly billions of light years in a matter of seconds, crush our civilization in a matter of moments, and yet you're thinking, "Who's the guy with the laptop, clicking away at a mouse, commanding the robots to do all this?" There is no laptop. There is no one commanding anything.

It's simple: 1. Robots have no soul - thus they have no religion or god or higher power to obey. 2. There is nothing more powerful, nothing more bent on death/destruction than a robot.

Add those together, and you get an evil electronic machine that obeys nothing and tears your face to shreds without a moment's hesitation.

Does Osama bin Laden control the robots? Obviously, I've answered this, but I just want to point out how EXTRA absurd this question is. If anything, OBL is on the most wanted list of the robots. OBL is responsible for 9/11 and other terror attacks. This does not please the robots. The robots aren't project managers with a death quota to fulfill, and as long as they meet their numbers, they're happy. The robots want to destroy us. But if we destroy us, we are - in some ways - rendering them impotent. If I had to guess why we haven't found OBL, I'd say it's because he was smashed by the giant iron fist of a very angry robot. Then the resulting pool of blood, crushed bone, tissues, etc was vaporized by a lazer blast.

That's my theory. Thanks for your question - and keep them coming! Write me at latesunday [--at--] lsadproco.com.

2004-04-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

"David, in that image of the robot you posted, one of them has a leg and a wheel (one of each). Can it really move like that?"

I just got this question from a reader, and it so perfectly illustrates why the robots are going to crush us all: It's our inability to think past our own human experience. Sure, if your car had a wheel and a leg, it wouldn't really go anywhere. Yes, if your girl/boyfriend had one wheel and one leg, he/she wouldn't be getting around too much. But, this is a fucking robot, people! It is not bound by human limitations!

Look, for a robot to have both a leg and a wheel is a sign that it's nimble, fierce, and most likely has lazer beams. People's inability to grasp these basic robot facts make me so angry, that I don't even want to post my safety tips...

But, I suppose it is my duty, so I need to put aside my anger. After all, when it comes to anger, nothing can match the fury of a robot bent on conquering our feeble human civilization.

Safety Tip: Frequently, robots will have antenae type things on the side of their head. Please keep in mind that electricity arcs between the antenae, so it is important to not put your hand in between them. Also, like hairdriers, toasters, tv's, and microwaves, do not get in a bath when a robot is near or in the water, or electrocution may occur.

2004-04-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

Remember, robots DO fly. So, be sure you're also looking at the sky when watching out for these evil mechanical beings.

2004-04-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I've been getting flooded with e-mails asking why the robots are so brutal. Answer: I don't know. They just are. But while they are always angry, keep in mind, they can be made angrier. Obviously, that's the kind of thing we want to avoid. Here's one way to not make the robots even angrier:

Robots do not like being looked in their eyes. So, when you hear the whirring sound of their servo operated limbs, take immediate shelter and cover your eyes.

This reminds me of a very telling song written by an amazing band named Robototron. A few years ago, they had a small underground dance hit called "Robotic Specialists." The first verse goes: "The robots are invading your town / They've come to take the humanoids down / Their metal claws will terrorize / The robots have infrared eyes." I have the CD, so for all of you who don't know the song, I'll rip it and post a link soon.

But, yes, anyway, avoid looking into their infrared eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but for the robots, they have no souls. Instead, their eyes are lenses through which pure mechanized evil sees.

On a HAPPY note, I got a very nice testimonial from a reader yesterday. Seems he found the site valuable resource. He writes:

In dire hope to have my life spared by the evil robots, I used the image on your blog as my new computer backdrop. I realize that this image is very important to mankind. Now when I see these robots, instead of giving them my business card in hopes to do their mortgage (which I do for many robots), I will run the other way and hope my brain does not explode from the lazer strike.

Thanks for the note. And, just a word about that image (which you can see if you scroll down a bit, or click here): People have been e-mailing me accusing me of trying to pass off a drawing for a photo. I'm not. I know it's not a photo. No camera or cameraperson has ever survived the death-ray blast that the robots fire off when someone attempts to take their picture.

The fact is, that image is the only known representation of the evil robots known to man. It's akin to a police sketch. The witness who saw the robots had his eyes slashed out (by the robot's pincer-claws, which are attached to his nimble tube-arms) moments after he saw the fearsome duo. He was only able to recollect exact details of the robots after many sessions of psycho-counseling, and then he described the horrible scene to an artist.

I hope you understand the immeasurable risk that I have taken on by starting this blog. But if it saves even one soon-to-be-robotically-oppressed human, then it's worth it, and I will forge on.

Closing note: If this blog has yet to cover any specific information you'd like about the robots, contact me, and I'll see if I can post on it soon.

2004-04-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up today, and it was sunny. A bit chilly and windy, but all in all a very nice day. It's important that we don't take "nice" days for granted. So what if it's a few degrees below 77 degrees (or whatever your ideal temperature is)? So what if the wind is gusting a few knots past breezy?

Soon, we will all be ruled by the robots. The sun will be blotted out by the ashes of our buildings, and the streets will run red with the blood of us humans. The robots do not require things like oxygen or water, or any of that stuff that we fragile humans do. Their metallic brains do not interpet such unimportant data as weather.

Sorry for the depressing post. I know that my pledge to you, the soon to be robot-ruled public, is to provide tips on how to keep you safe from the robots. I will not be remiss in my duties. So, here's another robot safety tip:

Robots have lazer beams (listen, don't e-mail me telling me it's spelled "laser," because it's not. That's the way you spell human lasers. Robot lazers are different and more powerful). They will not hesitate to shoot you or your loved ones with their lazer beams. Please keep this in mind, and if you see any robots taking aim at you, your best course of action would be to duck, run, or try to divert the robot's attention to a nearby cow, which he may choose to shoot instead.

2004-04-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

OK, I've been getting tons of e-mails, like five or six hundred, asking me what the robots look like. I think it's a good idea to know what the robots look like. After all, they are invading your town and trying to kill you. Please note that the robot on the left has one leg and one wheel, which means it has both leg and wheel technology. The other one flies around with his astro-engine.

2004-04-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Robots have swinging metal claw-arms. Maintain a safe distance from the robots.